2009
Mortar Fire
This moment of blissfully pure and unadulterated stupidity happened while I was building custom exhausts on a series of hot rods. Due to the exacting workmanship required, I did these jobs after hours when I wasn't distracted...
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The Mane Attraction
One day a young man living in Wroclaw received a letter in a large envelope. One look and he knew it was THAT letter. In Poland, when a man turns 18 he must allow the medical commission to determine whether he i
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ICanSayIToldYouSo
A doctor at the University of Iowa's oral surgery clinic relayed to me the almost unbelievable story of a patient he had treated in the emergency room. As you will soon find out, it took a literal miracle to preve
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My Father, the PhD
This is the World's Best Honorable Mention. Let an amused daughter tell you about her sire. 'This weekend was the final straw. Being an extremely cost-conscious person, Dad decided that putting half a can of varn
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Down In The Dumps
During the scrape and resurface of a large residential street in Edinburgh, it was noticed that a large foul sewer ran down the street. As it was belived to be quite shallow, it was necessary to determine its exac
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Single Bud Vase
MEDICAL REPORT: I was a nurse on a busy surgical unit, and I received a report that a young patient was arriving with 'severe penile lacerations.' I could not imagine what this poor lad had done to injure himself. T
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Boom Boom Bees
Our hero had just moved into a rental home. The yard had not been mowed in over a year. As he set about mowing down the overgrown weeds, he ran over a foot-wide hole. Out came an angry army of yellowjackets! As he ra
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Nitrating The Unknown
This isn't a Darwin, but easily could have been. 30+ years ago, my college installed new granite tables in the chem lab, and somehow a bet got started on who could scratch the tabletop first...
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Chutes and Spills
A group of Marines located some surplus parachutes that had been taken out of active circulation. The silk chutes were good for nothing more than providing shade in Iraq--or midsummer mischief...
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Not Even Half-Baked
After an extended night shift, our heroine, a working mother, decided to stay up until the kids came home from school. Being a thoughtful mom, the tired woman groggily decided that this was the time to bake a cake.
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Homemade Howitzer
I was the lucky orthopedics resident on call on July 4th when a gentleman reported to the trauma unit peppered with thousands of black spots of embedded gunpowder, face, chest, and arms...
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Cap-ping Cap-pow
When I was 9 years old, a 'friend' showed me how to make a decent firecracker out of a roll of caps. Take a pin and load the caps onto it accordion-style...
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White Spirits
Marie-Eve writes to 'submit a friend's accident to the Darwin Awards Supreme Court: Lets call him David. David broke his arm because he fell on a dog which is already quite silly. The hospital applied a resin cast...'
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Pill Pusher
Darwin says, 'I asked for medical submissions, and have greatly enjoyed the responses!' My husband worked at a small, busy rural pharmacy. His customers were hard-working, simple people. Early one morning he dispensed a
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Clap Clap Clap Your Hands
Eyewitness Account: 'I was driving down the road when the car in front of me suddenly accelerated, then stopped accelerating but continued going straight as the road curved, ultimately crashing into a rail
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Bonehead Bowling
Category: Gravity. Location: Cincinnati. Date: Super Bowl weekend. Brad tends to be rather wild at times. Brad was bowling. On one of his turns, he had trouble controlling the ball. Everyone froze...
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Gimpy Wendy
AUGUST 2009 | NEWS: Wendy Darwin Northcutt, writer of humorous obituaries and author of five Darwin Awards books, nearly made her own dark list when she broke her leg devising a clever way to cool the house during a
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Duct Don't
December 2009 | Peter has expertly inspected buildings around the world for many years. He entered a structure with a boiler room in the bowels of the building, containing a vast air duct that feeds into the air filters...
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A Putty Bullet
A Shawnee area man suffered an accidental gunshot wound to his abdomen when he fired a shotgun shell loaded with Plumber's putty into his own stomach. The 21-year-old marksman explained to deputies that he had exchanged
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Hot Buns
Welcome to Sweden. Home of Swedish massage, Swedish cuckoos, and one Swedish meatball who decided to warm himself in an industrial strength oven. The incident took place in freezing February...
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Cats Land On All Fours
24-year-old Mike, an operator for a gravel company, did not intend to perform a death-defyiing stunt with a 40-ton construction machine. He was only trying to free a bulldozer stuck atop a 50-foot high pile of
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Mr. Tinker
Rob says, 'My father-in-law tinkers and most often fixes things. I have seen him take apart toasters, motors, electronics, and power washers. He often has several projects on the go. One day he came home with a neighbour
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Ninja Wannabe
Seattle Police were searching for a reported assault victim when they heard screams of dire pain, and followed their ears to a grisly scene: a man impaled on a fence post!
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Agua Ski Calamity
Sun, sea, sand, well-built hombre's in small bathing suits, Mazatlan is everything you could wish for on a long winter holiday. Boats, sunscreen, rum-related judgment-imparing drinks, what could possibly go sideways?
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Ninja Deer Hunter
A man was out hunting in his favorite spot, a climbing stand in an open creek bottom. One morning he heard a deer blow at his back. He waited until the large buck sauntered just under the tree...
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An Un-Fun Whirlwind
Ten years ago I was roofing vacant homes in Sun Valley, Nevada. It was the sweetest commute imaginable. I'd wake up, make breakfast, climb a ladder, and BAM! I was at work. Two things Sun Valley has: sand and dir
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One more reason to be leery of a fruitcake
Reading 'My Father, the PhD' reminded me of my own father, and in particular, one little incident that came to be known as The Great Fruitcake Incident..."
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Popsicle
In the mid-eighties my father sailed on the research ship Regina Maris to study whale populations in Greenland. One night he noticed there were a lot of icebergs floating by the boat. Icebergs! After drinking
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Motorized Bar Stool
Traffic officer Michael Trotter responded to assist the Newark Fire Department with a man who had suffered injuries from a crash--while driving a motorized barstool!
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Tennis Blow
During a training lesson on a plush tennis court in Gstaad, a high school student named Elbrus decided to check out how a tennis ball machine works. Needless to say if you're reading this here, the machine was on and wo
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Caps'n'Hammer Kid
Everyone does dumb things when they're kids. My dumbest decision was almost a life-altering event. At that time, caps--tiny explosive charges sold for use in toy guns--were readily available...
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Locker Room Humor
After a night spent carousing with friends, squeezing into the locker had seemed like an amusing idea to the man. He shut himself in a train station suitcase locker for fun, but the laughter faded a
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A Drilliant Idea
A Spokane man with a spray paint can learned the wrong way to get around a clogged nozzle. Fire officials say the man used a cordless drill to penetrate the pressurized can...
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A Clear Lesson
I was catching up with a friend over dinner when she recieved a phone call from her college roommate, who had called to relate the following story. When the roommate was younger she accidentally ran right through the
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Birch Slapped
On the third day of a ten-day camping trip in the Adirondacks, our guide noticed a dead birch tree leaning toward one of the tents. This was dangerous! The guide enlisted two of my church friends to help deal with t
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Against The Odds, Nothing!
A Darwin AU house was saved from destruction when a bomb expert removed an explosives detonator that the resident had stored in his home for six months. Since the device had been brought home from work, it had
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